Shadow of the Day
by Taissa29
Summary: 'You might as well just shut up, because I won't answer you.', I scribble down. He only smirks: "Smooth, Fray." AU. Clary hasn't said a single word in over a month. It's because of the incident, well, at least that's the reason that everyone assumes. Clary alone knows the real reason. Well, that's what she thinks. But then she Jace shows up again and she isn't so sure anymore.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**  
 **Clary**

Clary's diary, 07.09.2016

 _I once believed that there was good in everything, everyone. Now I split my attitude in before and after. Before everything happened, before my life was turned into the mess it nowadays is. And after, precisely the mess my life is right now._

 _Before everything happened, I was your pretty average girl, in most things at least. I've had a crush on the quarterback of our schools' football team, Jonathan, I've had a best friend with whom I discussed my every step about my crush and I had a best guy friend, Simon, with whom I also discussed my every step about my crush. The only difference between Simon and Maia was that Simon also was very good friends with Jonathan, so I would always persuade him that he would play cupid for me and Jonathan._

 _Before everything happened I had pretty good grades, in fact I was a straight A-Student apart from maths, P.E. And physics and I've also had parents before. They weren't supportive or loving, they were just parents._

 _It's hard to understand this, but now I'm kind of glad they are the way they are. I mean, there also is a story, why they are just parents._

 _Just parents. Neither loving, nor supporting, just parents._

 _I still have all of the things above in my life, but everything has changed. Just like I changed because of everything, Simon changed and Maia changed and my parents changed._

 _I've also had on older brother before, Sebastian, who was best friends with Meliorn._

 _What I've also had before were my two bullies, Seelie and Meliorn. Seelie didn't like me because I nearly beat her in all our lessons and Meliorn didn't like me because Seelie was has girlfriend. So whereas Seelie would always insult me and call me names, I would get bruises and kicks from Meliorn. I would never tell my parents or my brother about any of this, although Maia and Simon would always persuade me to do so, but I didn't dare, simply due to the fact, that my Mom was best friends with Mrs. Herondale, Jace's mother._

 _And Jace was the other one of Meliorn's best friend._

 _Before, I didn't dare to do a lot of things. I was your common, shy girl, who wouldn't speak up for herself, who wouldn't defend herself, because I was to afraid of what consequences might come from it._

 _I would never, ever give Seelie a comeback, or Meliorn a kick back, because I was to afraid of them. I would never accept the help Simon and Maia offered me, because I'd seen what Meliorn did to Jace who once defended me._

 _Before, I simply was afraid of anything at all._

 _I wouldn't have the guts to walk up to Jonathan and just say: "Hey", I wouldn't call Seelie all these names I would make up, if I had time to spare; I wouldn't answer back Mom and Dad, when I didn't agree with them, sometimes I wouldn't even tell Simon and Maia what I would rather want to do._

 _I was trapped within the hole I had scooped out by myself. I did want to enjoy life, I did want to do all these things I was to afraid to do, I did want to life my live the way I wanted to life it, I did wanted a lot of things._

 _But I never did anything to get out of my hole._

 _Until everything happened._

 _For sixteen, nearly seventeen years, I stood happily in my hole, watching the others enjoying their lives, but not doing anything to come enjoying live myself._

 _But everything changes._

 _And everything did change._

 _Everything did change over this summer._

 _And I'm not your average girl anymore. Because now is after._

 _And living in the after I don't know what or who I want to be anymore._

 _So this is the story. This is why I am the way I am now._

 _This is my story._

8 weeks earlier 

"Clary, we've gone through this, what, like a hundred times by now?", Mom asks, sounding tired. She always sounds tired now.

After Sebastian.

"We can't Clary, there's no other solution."

Yes, there is, I think. You could take me with you. I just don't say it out loud.

"Clary, you've agreed to this!", she sounds desperate now. "Right after..."

Sebastian. Right after Sebastian happened. Right after everything happened.

"It's only for your own good."

It's just for your own good, Clary, I've heard these words my whole life.

Lies!, I want to scream, but no sound escapes my lips. I haven't said a single word in almost a month now. Not since Sebastian.

"Besides, you've always liked it at aunt Amatis', didn't you?", she asks now and flashes me a smile, which, I guess, is supposed to be encouraging and reassuring. It's none of these things. If anything, it frightens me even more of what lies ahead of me. Mom and I both know that I won't be visiting her sister, aunt Amatis, to visit aunt Amatis. I won't be even seeing her that much, I guess, since I'll be working in my free hours.

And Mom has made sure that I'm not going to have much free hours to spare.

So I just nod.

I nod and do what's expected from me, just like I always do. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at.

I like aunt Amatis, I really do. Sebastian and I always visited her for the half of our summer break, which means in the previous years.

As little kids we enjoyed all the advantages it has, when your family runs a hotel brand and your aunt owns a hotel at the west coast, to be more specific, in Los Angeles even. I mean, all the hotels our family owns are in Cali, but aunt Amatis really has got the must luck, with Los Angeles. We don't live to far from Los Angeles either, but aunt Amatis' hotel's location is everything you can ask for: the beach is only a half mile away and you have a beautiful view from all the windows, either you can look at the beach or you can look at Angeles itself.

As we grew older, Sebastian and I started to help aunt Amatis, Sebastian would start working at the bar and sometimes I would help him out, too, but what I liked even more was being in the kitchen, and cooking. This would mean that I could be far, far away from Sebastian.

I don't know what I am supposed to do, now, that I'll be there alone. Definitely not working at the bar, though, I suppose, aunt Amatis could really need the help there, because you can forget most of the staff members that work at the bar, maybe apart from Jordan and Aline. Though I didn't even interact much with them, they would always concentrate on Sebastian.

It's always been like this, Sebastian in the bright stage light, I in his shadows. I'm pretty sure it will continue to be like this, even more so, after everything that has happened.

Again, I let Mom do everything for me.

I let her take my not really packed trolley – not really packed due to the fact that there are so much shops near the hotel, I won't need much clothes -, I let her pack it into the car.

I let her shove me into the car. I let her drive me to Angeles, without even saying goodbye to neither Simon, Maia or Dad. Though I suppose, Dad doesn't even want to see my face anymore.

It's not like I would have said anything, anyways.

I let Mom do the talking for me, when we arrive at Aunt Amatis', explaining the obvious Aunt Amatis knows anyways. Everyone, anyone knows. It's the news, regardless that everything happened over a month ago. The gossip about Sebastian became even more popular due to the fact that no one, and I repeat, absolutely no one, would've expected anything quite like this.

It's just so unlike for our family.

Or, maybe, it isn't. At least, not for our family itself.

Then, Mom is gone and I'm left with aunt Amatis alone. As she leads me to our – no my – room she tries a few feeble attempt to make conversation, but fails completely. When we finally reach the suite for me and – no, only for me, she seems almost glad that she hasn't got to do anymore talking.

Or, more like it, not talking.

I mean, it must be pretty hard to talk to someone, who won't answer, who doesn't talk at all. At least that much I gathered from Maia's outburst she's had, right after I've told her – well not actually literally told her, but you know, what I mean – that I would spend the rest of my summer break in Angeles.

Simon's reaction was similar.

Simon added, that it would be pointless to even think that I could even try to avoid them. If they had to, they would come here and check in here, Maia had said to that.

Well, I believe, they certainly could do that, both their parents have enough money, just like mine, I just hope, they won't.

I don't want to see them right now.

In fact, I don't want to see anybody at all.

Or talk to anybody.

Well, the talking part is easy, really.

I'm at the bar right now, although I don't want to be here, I haven't said anything. People keep on giving me odd looks due to the fact, that I don't talk to them, but they seem satisfied that I pour them their drinks, mix them their cocktails, whatever.

Sebastian taught me, back then. Before.

That was one of the few things he did do right, at least.

I'm interrupted in my thoughts, when someone asks me for a drink again. Only, that this person doesn't ask me for a drink, in fact. The voice sounds so disbelieving.

Familiar.

"Clary?"

 _This is my story._

 _Well, at least the start of it._

 _Because, in fact, I'm still not really living in the after._

 _But neither in the before._

 **Please review, I'd love to hear your opinions! 3**


	2. Chapter 1

**Hey there and thanks for the Reviews, favs and follows! I'm really glad you like this story so far! I'm sorry if there are spelling or grammar mistakes, but english isn't my mother tongue. Anyways don't get used to these fast updates it's only that way bc I have summer break which means I have more free time than usual. But I think I'm going to settle on updating once a week.**

 **And now have fun reading! :)**

 _ **Shadow of the Day**_

 ** _Chapter 1_**

 ** _Clary_**

 _Clary's diary, 21.08.2016_

 _July the nineteenth, so many things would happen on that day. If only I had known, what, precisely, it was, I would've tried avoiding this day at all. Like sleeping in, 'till it was evening again, or something like this._

 _Anything at all, to prevent this day from happening._

 _But the thing is: we can't turn back time._

 _No matter how much we wish, we could be able to do so, we can't do it. At least, not now._

 _I don't know how the situation will be in a thousand years, but, for now, we can't turn back time._

 _This single fact makes me wish, that I could've been born a thousand years later._

 _Or, maybe it would be better for everyone if I hadn't been born at all. At least then, this summer wouldn't have happened._

 _These series of most unfortunate events wouldn't have happened._

 _See, what I did there, Simon?_

 _But the thing is: my story isn't funny. At least, not this summer. Not summer 17, as I call it now. (17 due to the fact that I am seventeen, 'till I'll turn 18 in two months.)_

 _There's nothing funny about summer 17._

 _Well, I suppose, some situations and conversations with some certain people could be considered funny, but I'm not your average person anymore._

 _For me, there's nothing light and funny about, no happiness, nothing._

 _Let me tell you, why._

8 weeks earlier

"Clary?"

I look up, and instantly I regret it.

I know this face, I know just a little bit too well, thanks to Meliorn and Sebastian Well, more to Meliorn, but that doesn't matter right now.

Big, golden eyes, with long eyelashes and messy, golden, light hair.

What are you even thinking, Clary? Get a grip on yourself!, I think and immediately wince, just a little bit.

When I look up again, he's still x-raying me with these golden eyes of his. I gulp, slightly. A shiver runs down my spine. What if Meliorn is here, too? And maybe even Seelie?

This can't be happening, it can't. He can't be here, right now.

He can't be here.

Jace Herondale. Lightwood. Whatever.

Here's the thing about Jace: no one, really, no one, can fully get him, fully understand him. He smokes and drinks, is often drunk and stoned at the weekends, he's got several girls at our school – Maia too -, which adore him and he makes out with different of them on different weekends.

He could be your typical heart breaker – only, he isn't. Well I think I'm not putting this correctly: he kind of is a heart breaker. What makes him different from all the other typical bad boys is, that he doesn't enjoy it when he's broken another girl's heart. To really get this right: he doesn't go wandering around, looking for another heart to shatter to pieces. Most times he doesn't even let people emotionally get close enough to really get to him. The only people, who fully understand him, I guess, are his adoptive siblings – Alec and Isabelle Lightwood.

Unlike most bad boys at our school Jace doesn't pretend he could be open for an emotional base in a relationship. He's just looking for distraction and fun.

How do I know this?

Well, because he's told me this.

When he was drunk, after he made out with Maia.

"Clary, hey, you still there? Earth to Clary?", Jace asks me now, sounding slightly amused. He cocks his head to the side and grins at me. Immediately I take a step back, when I watch his lips turn upwards.

I know these lips too damn well.

 _His lips are everywhere on my body. His hands are gripping hard on my waist. There's nothing gentle about this, anymore._

 _And everything about this is just so wrong._

 _I am doing the wrong thing, we are definitely doing the wrong thing._

 _I shudder, once he lays his fingers on my thighs and he pulls me even closer to him._

" _No escaping me now.", he purrs into my ear._

 _This is wrong._

"Wow, Clary, is everything all right?", now he sounds concerned.

"You're as white as a wall. Everything okay?"

I just shake my head in denial.

No, everything's fine. Everything's all right, I want to say with these gesture.

He flashes me a dazzled look.

"Uh... Clary? You sure you all right?", he asks in his New Yorker accent. Just like mine, Jace's family isn't originally from Cali. We're both originally from New York.

Stop it, Clary. Just goddamn stop.

"You're not speaking to me, or what? Look, Meliorn isn't here, so you can relax. I don't want to do anything bad to you. I don't want anything except ordering my drink. Anything hard, if possible with much vodka, please. "

At the mention of Meliorn's name I shoot him a death glare, but I relax a little, when says that he just wants a drink. Still, this is Jace. Jace, who happens to be one of Meliorn's best friends. Who once saved me from Meliorn. Jace, I've made out with last year, at Sebastian's birthday party, when we were both drunk. Until now I was positively convinced that he couldn't remember any of this – that we've made out and only stopped, when Maia interrupted us.

I shrug and point to the card. He grins.

"Oh, sorry I forgot. You still not talking to me?" Yes, you Idiot, obviously; I want to scream it out loud, but I won't start speaking again when the first one I speak to happens to be Jace. Maia and Simon would absolutely kill me for that. I'm not sure if I'll ever speak again – not after Sebastian.

"All right then, I'll take a vodka with orange juice. But shouldn't you be asking me if I'm of drinking age?", he now questions with a mischievous grin. I shrug once again. I won't ask him anything, I won't speak to him. Why is it suddenly so hard to remind myself that I don't want to speak to anyone at the moment, when it comes to Jace?

I turn around, searching for the bottle of vodka and orange juice and the crushed ice. Jace still hasn't given up trying to talk me, because while I mix him his drink he's still questioning me about a lot of random things, Angeles, the holidays, the beach, my job here, Simon and Maia. When I'm done with pouring him his drink I also grab a piece of paper and pen and scribble down:

 _I'm not really talking to anyone at the moment._

He takes his drink and asks:

"Oh, because of Sebastian?"

 _You might as well just shut up, because I won't answer you._

He only smirks while reading this.

"Smooth, Fray.", is his only answer.

 _5$_ , is everything I write down.

"Oh c'mon Clary, we've known each other since what? Third grade or so?" Yeah and you also happen to be best friends with my bullies.

5$

Sighing, he grabs his purse and hands me a 5$ note. I grab it and stuff it into the cashbox. When I look up again, he's sipping his drink but at the same time he's still teasingly smirking at me.

"How long's your shift?", he asks me and I roll my eyes. Really?, I try to express with this look. He only chuckles to that which earns him another death glare from me.

 _'Why exactly are you asking that again?'_ , I write that down and settle my gaze on him again. He shrughs.

"Just curious, you know." As if. What even is he doing here? Why did he come here out of all possible places? Are Isabelle and Alec with him?

But I ask him none of these questions because I don't want him to think that I suddenly care. About anything at all. So I just nod, again.

"Clary, I know you. You have to do better than that, if you really want me to leave you alone." This boy will be the death of me, someday. I'm nearly certain.

 _'What do you want?'_ , I write and give him a look that hopefully carries my annoyance. He sighs and runs his hand through his golden hair. How much I'd love to paint him. His hair, the different shades of gold. How much I ache to touch him again. But he can't know any of this.

Because I don't want to be touched. Anymore. At all.

"I just want to talk to you, Clary. Is that so god damn wrong? As I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I am not.", he repeats and puts press on these last three words. He just wants to talk, a voice in my mind says. What's so wrong about this?

Everything, anything at all is just so wrong. Since last month everything feels wrong.

 _'How do I know I can trust you?',_ the words are written down before I've really considered them, really thought about how vulnerable they can make me look, how much I'm actually giving away with them. Shit.

"I... Clary... you can trust me...", suddenly Jace seems to be at a loss of words. Jace. A Jace who doesn't know what to say, this is definitely new, because normally Jace is all about snarky, arrogant comebacks, paired with one of his teasing smirks. But right now I see none of this. Right now I only see a Jace who's suddenly as vulnerable as I feel too.

He doesn't know what to say to this. Because he doesn't know if I really can trust him. This is all a little bit too much for me. Because it all seems like suddenly Jace Herondale, the infamous Jace Herondale cares about anyone who's not his family.

But well... about that... that's also very, very complicated.

"Jace! There you are!", Isabelle calls out and just like that we're both saved from this akward situation. Jace clears his throat and turns around. There she is, Isabelle Lightwood. Probably the most popular girl at school, right after Seelie. The difference between Isabelle and Seelie is, that Isabelle actually really is a genuinely nice person. Well, sure, at first, she's all bitchy and sarcastic comebacks but she won't hurt other people purposely with her words. Only, if she really wants to. And once you've gotten to know her, she will lower her defences, at least a bit.

I know all this stuff because Simon and Isabelle are – acquaintances? I'm not really sure which word could really contently describe the relationship they have.

"Oh, Clary, you're here too! How come?", she expresses and sits down next to Jace. Not she too, please, not another person I have to disappoint. Please not another one I have to 'talk' to. Jace greets Isabelle, which gives me time to scribble down my answer to her question.

 _'I'm working here for the rest of the summer break. The hotel belongs to my aunt, Amatis.'_

Isabelle looks confused that I won't speak to her, but Jace leans over to her and whispers something in hear ear. Her expression changes from confusion, to a dazzled look, to utter confusion. But she gets a grip on herself pretty fast.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, the Morgenstern Hotel chain. Absolutely awesome." I force a smile, then I ask her if she wants anything to drink. Well, I don't really ask her, but you know, what I mean. She nods.

"Yes, I'll take a Tequila Sunrise, please."

Jace looks at her in amazement.

"Isn't it a little too early for a cocktail? With Tequila? It's what, like five in the afternoon.", he says, after he's checked his watch. Says the one with the Vodka-O, I think.

"You hypocrite!", she says in disbelief, "this, coming from the one with the Vodka-O." They continue to bicker while I mix Isabelle her Tequila Sunrise. When I'm done I hand it to her, just in the same moment Alec Lightwood arrives. What are they all doing here?, I think to myself, again. Why here, out of all possible places?

"Jace, Isabelle, really? Doing alcohol at what – five pm?", Alec asks them in disbelief.

"Oh, hi Clary.", he shortly appreciates my being here. Alec and I don't get along that good, probably because I screwed with Jace once but Isabelle is still friends with me.

"Alec, don't be such a spoilsport!", Isabelle scoffs. Alec only sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Anyways, Mum and Dad are looking for you. Both of you. Family dinner. If I were you I wouldn't exactly be telling them what exactly you've been doing but I would come up with a pretty good excuse because they've been searching you for nearly over on hour, especially you, Jace."

Isabelle makes a rude gesture towards Alec but downs her drink nevertheless in a few seconds. My eyes widen with shock and disbelief. I nearly need an hour to empty a glass of wine, not bringing in the fact that I absolutely hate the taste of alcohol.

"See you around, Clary.", she says when she stands up and pays for her drink. Alec gives me a court nod.

"Jace, you coming?"

"Give me a sec.", Alec shoots Jace an incredulous stare but Isabelle drags him away with her nevertheless.

God, what does he want now?

But he doesn't say anything, at least not until he's finished his drink grins. "Thanks for the drink Clary, it was really good. Just the right proportion between the vodka and the orange juice. Well, anyways, see you around." He chuckles once again and then he's gone too.

Frozen in place, I stare after him, trying hard, not to concentrate too much on his golden hair. What exactly was all this about?

What the fuck are they doing here?

Seeing them around? Not if I can avoid it.

Hours later

 _'I'm not exactly sure what the so-called root of my problem exactly is.'_

"You're not sure or you're only not sure if you want to answer this?" Damn it. "Clarissa.", he sighs. "You have to be really in it, if you want this to be successful." Right, about that. It's not exactly me who want's this to be successful.

 _'I'm not sure. Honestly. I guess there's too much to take into consideration. Like, my totally fucked-up family for an instance?'_

"Your whole family or just someone in particular?"

Screw this.

How could he guess so easily?

 **Please review! I'd love to hear your thoughts! And your theories on what made Clary silent? See you soon! xx**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey, thank you for the support for this story! Whilst uploading it I wouldn't have dreamed that I would already reach 25 follows after only two chapters! Thank you all so much! 3**

 **Please review!**

 _Chapter 2_

 _Jace_

 _2010_

The first day at school. Well, the first day at my new one. The first day together with my adoptive siblings, Alec and Izzy, at their school, St. Xaviers. The first day of school after my father died.

Not really the first day in fifth grade, but the first after the Christmas holidays.

Not speaking with each other I walk together with Alec to our first class, which we've got together, English. We step into the room and immediately Alec sits down next to Izzy, who is already waiting for us because she didn't come to the headmaster's office with us. There seems to be no other free place. Everyone sits together – except one girl, a redhead. The shade of her hair seems somewhat familiar.

"Hey, can I sit here?", I walk over to her and ask her. She looks up – and piercing, familiar, green eyes meet mine.

"Clary?", I ask, astonished, the same time she says:

"Jace?"

I sit down and take my things for this class out of my bag, not letting her out of sight.

"I didn't expect you to be here!", I claim, once I'm done rummaging with my things.

"Yeah, well, me neither. It's been what, two years?", she replies and offers me a shy grin, which I immediately return.

"Seems like it", I agree, "missed my awesomeness?" As a response, she only rolls her eyes.

"More like your annoyingness", she counters.

"Is that even a word?", I fire back and finally, she laughs, only a little.

"So, where have you been? You just showed up, back in third grade, in the middle of term and after a few weeks you just vanished, like you weren't even there in the first place. I didn't think I'd ever see you again", she states and I wince, just a little. Hopefully she didn't recognize.

"Yeah well, about that", I begin, "it's a long story." She rolls her eyes.

"Oh please, Jace, I have time."

"My dad died", I reply, casually. She looks shocked. I'm not sure which shocks her more: what I just said or, how I said it.

But I can't let her see me under my facade again.

I can't loose her again.

I've already exposed myself too much, told her too much. It really is a long and complicated story but I can't risking Clary becoming part of the game again.

Because, even if my father is dead, Sebastian is still out there.

 _Now, 2016_

"You didn't told me Clary works here. Or, that her aunt runs the hotel", Izzy complains.

"Because I didn't know. Neither of these things", I lie.

"Jace", she begins, but abruptly I stand up.

"Izzy, not now", I say and walk away. I hear her protesting, Alec joining in, screaming something about the family dinner that's supposed to happen in a few minutes, but I don't listen, I don't turn around, I don't stop.

I just walk away.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it seems to be walking away. I've turned my back on Clary so many times, I can't even count the occasions anymore. I honestly lost track of how many times I disappointed Alec and Izzy with my unchanging behavior. Not towards them, but to people in generel, especially girls.

But that's just how I am, how I distract myself. How I need to distract myself.

Because I'm pretty sure if I stopped distracting myself like this I would finally crack. And I can't let that happen. I can't allow myself to love more people than Alec and Izzy and maybe Robert and Marise, too, because I can't allow myself to hurt anymore people, even if I don't intend to.

Because that's what I do: I hurt people.

We all hurt each other by loving each other.

That's the problem.

Finally I stop. The hotel, the bar, Alec and Izzy, our parents they're all way behind me now. I still can see the hotel but it's a good distance away now. I find myself again on the streets which lead to the beach. I don't know my way around here. I suppose that I could just turn around and face the mess I've left behind this time. But I can't. Not right now. I need to distract myself.

I take my surroundings in, I recognize nothing. I've only been here before once and that was over ten years ago. But I don't want to think about Valentine right now. Not ever again.

To my left is bar and next to the bar is a big, white building which looks very business like to me. I step closer and read the bronze placard next to the door of the building.

 _Dr. Magnus Bane, Professional Psychologist_

A Psychologist here in Angeles, nearly on the beach? But he must be a good one and get paid really well, judging by the expensive looking of the white mansion.

Suddenly the door opens.

And out of the door steps the last person I would've expected to do:

Clary.

But it clearly is her. Fiery, red waves. Small, fragile and delicate stature. Bony legs and arms, sharp elbows and knees. And big, piercing, green eyes which lock with mine again. Again and again and again.

She gives me a look of utter disbelief and immediately takes a step back. But the door behind her has already closed. Clary doesn't say anything, so I suppose she's still not talking to me. Or to people in general.

"I... Clary... didn't expect to see you here!", I finally express my thoughts and flash her a grin which she doesn't return. Clary only sighs and takes out her notebook again.

 _Yeah, I certainly didn't expect to see you here, too._

"What are you doing here, then?", I ask and I know how damn stupid that must sound. She rolls her eyes.

 _Isn't it obvious?_

"Oh, I'm sorry, honestly, I didn't mean to pry or something", I answer hastily. She raises an eyebrow and gives me a confused look. I should really stop talking to her.

 _Well, I guess it's too late now for that, huh?_ , she scribbles down and I can't help myself but smirk. Even if she doesn't say these words out loud, in my head they drip of sarcasm.

"I won't tell anyone, okay? And it's not like I was stalking you or something"

 _If you say so._

After writing this down, her hand stops and she hesitates, before adding:

 _I'm still not sure, if I can trust you, to be honest._

Well, at least she gets this right. Because the thing is, she shouldn't trust me. Not at all, not a little bit. Because I let him do all those things to her. I could've stopped him, but I didn't. And that's the point. I care about her and I shouldn't. And because I do care about her, she shouldn't trust me.

"You have every right to have doubts", I finally manage to mumble and she nods lightly. Well, at least she seems to understand. That's more than I could've asked for, that's more than I deserve.

Silence stretches out between us, because I don't know, what to say.

Okay, that's not right. I do know, what to say. I have a million questions I want to ask her. What, exactly made her silent. How she feels about Sebastian. If I can do anything to help her.

But I can't ask her any of these questions because that would mean that I admit that I care about her. And I can't let this happen. I just can't. Because even after Sebastian – Valentine is still out there.

Clary clearing her throat interrupts my thoughts. I give her a questioning look and she gestures down to her notebook. My eyes scan over what she's written:

 _So, why are you here?_

"I...", I don't know how to express this. I don't know if I should even tell her this. I run a hand through my hair. Her green eyes are still fixed on me, so I give in, and, for a minute, I'm not really thinking about what I'm saying, I just say it:

"I kinda needed a distraction, you know?"

 _Really Jace, a distraction?_ , she seems angry at herself about writing this, she hardens her grip on the pencil and doesn't look me in the eye.

"What? No, no, it's not what you think, Clary, really! I'm not here to... you know. It's just family dinner and stuff...", I trail off, because she isn't even listening to me anymore, she is writing something in her notebook again.

 _Well, I should get going now. See you around, Jace._

"Clary, wait!", I say and reach for her wrist but with an angry look she pulls back out of my grip – and just like that, she walks away.

I want to go after her, I really do but I'm aware that it's a bad idea. A very bad idea. So I take a last look at Clary and turn around and do, what I'm best at: walking away.

Seems that I'm not the only one anymore who's an expert at this.

 **Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter! What do you think about the Jace POV? What are your theories about what happened in the past between Clary and Jace? And Valentine and Sebastian?**

 **See you soon and thanks for reading! :)**


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